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On Saturday evening I was watching a bit of telly after a hearty tea from Granny, who was babysitting me whilst mummy and daddy got pissed at the local brewery's beer festival, when the front door banged shut. This could only mean one thing . . . grandad didn't play golf very well today!
I really should know better, but, it's usually good for a laugh (and I quite enjoy winding him up!), so I said to him "gggleeesnfffgg" (had a good game grandad?)
"No I bloody didn't, Sophie!"
This was going well so I thought I'd get some gory details! "eeesnggglllly ksssnnngggllnd" Why, what happened grandad?).
It was my driver's fault. Silly bloody useless contraption, it let me down so badly today that I decided to teach it a bloody lesson, bloody useless gadget"!
Oh joy! This was the best conversation I had ever had with grandad who is usually so controlled and, not to put too fine a point on it, quite a boring person really. I had to keep this going and maximise my pleasure. "ggglllqrgf bansdhfjmr, kljrgfkkrg mjkfgjkm? (Good for you grandad; did you smack it?)
"Oh yes Sophie, I smacked it alright; I gave it a big smack. It won't be naughty again"
At this point he started to tell me what happened on the fifth, sixth and seventh and how well he recovered from the horrible drives on those holes, what good approach shots he played, how wonderful his putts were, etc, that I . . . fell asleep! This was a shame really because I was really getting him going for a while there, before he started boring me again!
When he asked me to write this posting for him, however, he did ask me to reiterate his apologies to his playing partners for his bad behaviour and to assure them that it will not happen again. I understand that his 'new' second-hand driver cost the same as his old 'badly behaved one' would have cost to have re-shafted so he is a bit less grumpy today despite the incessant pissing bloody rain that threatens to mess up his entire week, including Wednesday!
posted by Nobby Shit @ 1:31 PM
3 Comments:
Dear Sophie
I was with your Granddad when he lost his head.
As you rightly observe he is a bit of a controlled freak, holding it all in, bottling it all up, with that stiff upper lip that you see in those old British B&W movies you watch in the afternoons with your Gran.
However weeks of pent up frustration, brought on by consecutive stuffings inflicted by Uncle Reg, exploded in one cathartic, disastrous moment. The nappy fodder hit the air conditioning unit with a vengeance. Granddad’s normally phlegmatic, almost inscrutable, demeanour evaporated in a cloud of abuse and expletives. We haven’t witnessed such an outburst on a golf course since Uncle Bernie and a Frenchman discussed whose honour it was at Sables D’Or Les Pins.
Granddad told you that his driver let him down badly. This, I am sorry to have to tell you, is being economical with the truth as they say. Quite the reverse. It was (was being the operative word) a benign and cooperative driver. In fact Uncle Paul and I had considered, on more than one occasion, doing to it what Granddad did to it on Saturday, after it had propelled his Titleist to distant parts of the fairway; areas with which we are unfamiliar.
This time, however, Granddad must have lifted his head too soon with the inevitable consequences. Instantaneously phlegmatic, controlled Granddad metamorphed into choleric, yabbering monster-man. Ky Lafoon once taught his putter a lesson by tying it to the back of his car and towing it home. Granddad’s lesson was swift and but equally vengeful. The driver was hammered into the ground. The head flew off.
Bizarrely, your Granddad then proceeded to bogey the hole, which, although not up to his usual standard, was not bad considering.
Well, Sophie, you now seem to be sound asleep.
Night night.
Uncle Josh
Dear Uncle Josh
Thank you for reading my little story. I was beginning to think that none of you bastards out there had even noticed that I had written it!
As you rightly observe I am fast asleep now and dreaming up excuses why I shouldn't be left alone with grandad on Saturday or Wednesday evenings.
Sophie
This has to be the best posting so far! Well done to Sophie and Josh!!
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